“I finally understand this movie. … [It's] the kind of thing that Ed Wood would have directed if someone had handed him umpty-million dollars and not applied any direct adult supervision.”
~ W. H. Jamison, Jr.
Archive for wit
review of Batman & Robin
use your own dirt
There was once a conjurer who boasted that he had become god-like. One god happened to overhear, and challenged him to a contest.
“Can you do this?” the god asked, scooping up a handful of dirt and making it into a bird. They watched the bird fly away.
“Sure,” said the conjure-man, and reached down for a handful of raw material.
“Hey,” said god. “Use your own dirt.”
modern high-quality tech support
“We all scratched our heads and glared threateningly at the machine for hours.”
~ John Charde
WHEEEEE! goes the economy
“When we were waiting in line, did you notice the sign saying ‘You must be this fucked to get on this ride’? “
~ fengi
civilization of absurdity
“Civilization, in fact, grows more and more maudlin and hysterical; especially under democracy it tends to degenerate into a mere combat of crazes; the whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by an endless series of hobgoblins, most of them imaginary.”
~ H.L. Mencken
everyone is now dumber
“Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
~ principal (played by James Downey) in Billy Madison, written by Tim Herlihy & Adam Sandler
one day
“I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.”
~ Ashleigh Brilliant
news: new theory of everything
“Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather.”
~ Bill Hicks
Ten Reasons Gay Marriage Is Un-American
- Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
- Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
- Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
- Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
- Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
- Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
- Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
- Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
- Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
- Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
